I am Barabbas

I feel like a spiritual failure, but not in God's eyes. I am trying to believe that 100%. He sees my suffering, my pain, my financial hardships. I am working so hard to give God the glory for everything, no matter the storm, no matter the stack of twenty past due bills on the desk. Creditors are calling, and I am so afraid. The enemy keeps throwing up fears in my face and to tell you the truth, I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid. But what am I really afraid of? At this point, not being able to care for my little blessings, Garrrett and Cole. Being able to provide food, shelter and clothing. As much as I love that they are growing healthy and strong, I don't want them to grow too much b/c I can't afford to get them new shoes. Is that horrible of me to say? I can't get my thoughts and feelings on the right track. Thier well being is all that matters to me now and even that is so hard to succeed at. They have no idea what mommy and daddy are enduring right now. It is scary and I cry.

Random thoughts are pouring out of me right now. Our pastor has been doing a series called "vantage point" that is leading us up to Easter and the story of Christ's death, burial and resurrection. We learned about the thief and murderer, Barabbas, whom was supposed to have died the death that Jesus received, but instead, was freed by the people. What did he do to deserve this? Nothing. But how is he any different than we are today? We have been freed from our debt and by grace are we saved through faith. We didn't have to do anything but accept Jesus and believe Him to be our Lord and Saviour.

I was given a gift today; seeing Jesus in a different light, so much, that the cross is much more personal to me than ever before. Jesus' crucifiction was no mistake. The day that He died, and all of the occurances that led up to him being crowned with thorns and nailed to that cross, was a perfect picture of what He did and is doing for us everyday. He took the debt that Barabbas owed and bled for him. I am Barabbas. Those were my thorns, and tears, and blood.

The church has been so gracious to the community and the members; helping those in need. Whether it be financial, spiritual, physical, they want to help. At what point do I reach out and ask for help? I am not a proud woman, but more embarrassed of what we are going through. Is that a form of pride? I know we need help and I want it so bad but a part of me thinks that we are undeserving and there are still others out there worse off than us. How far do I have to fall before I am saved? Or will I ever be saved from this pit that we are in? What are we supposed to learn from this? I am struggling and need direction. Burrying myself in the Word is the only thing that I know to do. Falling on my knees and spending every waking breath whispering prayers of redemption is all that I have left to do. There is no money, there aren't many worldly posessions left, no vanity or pride. Is this where God is wanting us to be before the blessings come? And for how long? I am confused, afraid and hurting, but Joy is what I want.

Beach babies!

Settled

It has been 2.5 months since moving back to Orlando and I am still unpacking boxes.  The last two months have been interesting to say the least, and "moving" never really ends at your final destination.  Mike and I placed most of our belongings in a storage unit with only the necessities in tow to our temporary home.  I thought by taking minimal belongings to "live" with would transition us into simple living, but it has been far from simple.  My perception of "minimal" hasn't quite agreed with the living space that we have been provided (although I am very grateful for even that).

Our family of four, which includes a toddler and a three year old (who seems to be more like 15 and hormonal), crammed into two 10x10 rooms is quite the sight to see.  I pride myself (most of the time) for organization, but lately I haven't felt up to the Martha Stewart standard that I seem to put myself up to.  I am more like that 15 year old hormonal, messy teenager that I just so cleverly described Garrett as.  I haven't gotten into a groove yet, but I am praying for organized living soon!  Please God!!!  

Anyway, on to the next item of "one way" discussion.  Let's see...well, I am challenging myself to one month of extremely limited Facebook.  Without going into too much detail, it has been a HUGE struggle and time waster for me and I was starting to spend more time and feelings on there than I had to spare.  Blogging doesn't seem to be that much of a better decision for time wasting, but at least it is an outlet for me that I very much need these days.  My close friends and loved ones are hopefully reading this blog, so I haven't totally removed myself from cyber society. Dear FB friends, I will not be on FB much so please email me!  Don't tempt me with the "facebook" notifications that ever so cleverly lure me via my gmail inbox.  I am trying to work on a better controlled time frame allowance.  :)  Unfortunately, my plan of staying away 100% from the temptation, failed, as my need to stay connected with some family members/friends that are EXTREMELY important to me, won the battle.  I love you guys!  But, I failed my personal test.  Better luck next time I say.  

We just had Garrett's third birthday party today.  The kids were so much fun and had a blast when a real firetruck showed up in front of our house for display.  All I can say is thank you Orange County Fire Rescue!  You are the best!

I made Garrett's cake this year, a firetruck fondant cake.  My sister in law and best friend Christi came over to help me with my vision.  It turned out pretty well considering this was my first "carved into shape" cake.  Garrett loved it and now wants a "McQueen" birthday cake.  My dear child, baking times for Lightening McQueen birthday cakes are about 364 days.  

Mike and I had a great time for my birthday.  Wait, let me back up.  A dear friend started my day off with treating me to a pedicure and sushi (YUM!), which was a much needed pick me up.  I love her!  But more b/c we have been dear friends for so long and know pretty much everything there is to know about one another.  I was definitely pampered, and loved every minute of it. 

So, Mike bought me an absolutely stunning necklace for my birthday.  It is of our boys; I could not have asked for anything more lovely.  I know that I will wear this everyday that I can along with the diamond stud earrings I have been wearing since my first mothers' day three years ago.  He topped the evening off by taking me to New Smyrna Beach for dinner at Chases on the beach, a little bar and grill that has THE BEST spinach dip, coconut shrimp and veggie wraps ever!  It was far from a candle lit dinner but any dinner with my hubbie, alone, is great in my book.  Our intention was to stroll the beach before heading back home to our babies, but it was quite the chilly night.  We then opted for a "stroll" through the cheesy 24 hour touristy beach shops that are ever so notorious for tie-dye and flourescent destination t-shirts.  I did happen upon a cute pair of pink daisy sterling silver earrings that I fell in love with and were the perfect addition to my birthday celebration.  

I have captured this weekend in a few pictures that I hope you enjoy!  Good night my dear friends!  Sweet Dreams.

Love,

Stephanie