Weight loss

Agh! I just deleted my full page of writing and I feel so sick to my stomach! Okay, I will try to recap as I best as I did, but now due to lack of time and little kiddos running around at my feet, I will have to make this quick.

So as I was saying...April marked the month where I promised myself a new body and the ability to wear a bikini this year. Guess what? It didn't happen. I am a little frustrated because everyday stresses and factors really get to me emotionally and once that happens, it is easier for me to "give up" and "give in" to something cozy and warm then to push myself further.

When I am emotionally or physically worn out from the day, the last thing I want to do is workout and the first thing that enters my head to do is sit down with a book or just watch the kids. (Okay side note, this post is going the opposite direction as my first one, so I hope I am happy with the outcome). However, there are other times that it appears I am just being lazy, but in my heart I am more overwhelmed with the stresses if life that I just want to sleep or sit and stare blankly into nothing. I know I have had a really hard time with depression in the past, but is it really depression? Or has laziness been my insta-cure for my emotions and how I deal with them? I really have no idea, but I need to find out quickly. I have been carrying around and extra 20 lbs of flab for the past four years and I am so sickened over it. Never in my life have I had to deal with weight issues, so this is all new to me.

Just when I know I am ready to make a change, I stick with it for a few days then fall off my plan, yet again. So what is it? Laziness, depression or stress. Or all three? Or is there more to it?

Today is a new day and I am going to try my best this time. My prayer is that I stick with it b/c the weight is physically starting to interfere with how I want to live on a daily basis.

I have started a calorie intake journal with just plain pen and paper. So as I move along in this weight loss journey, I will share it from time to time.

Have a blessed day!

Steph

Return of the Binky...

I never really decided when I would "wean" Cole off of the constant need for his binky, rather I let it come naturally. I figured, once the binky(s) run out, or get lost, that is when it will happen. That day came and went about two weeks ago when we were packing up for the move to our new place.

He did very well, and in some cases, I really don't think he missed it. Yesterday rolled around, and while unpacking what seemed to be a never ending sea of boxes, I discovered it. THE binky. The decision to not discard of it immediately seems to be one I might regret. By nightfall, and close to bedtime, Cole so effortlessly, reached his little hand up to the counter (wait...when did he get so big to reach the counters?) and slid it off the ledge, and straight to his mouth. Okay, I just realized something. How long had that binky been missing and what germs did it pick up by being in moving boxes? Gross. I need to find it now and toss it.

Okay, so anyway, Cole has been attached to this thing for the last 24 hours and has a HUGE fit when I take it away. I can't help but to chuckle under my breath a little b/c he is so incredibly adorable when he throws his little tantrums. I dare not let him see me laugh, otherwise he will figure out how to ALWAYS get his way. Binky, you win for now, but we will meet again very soon my friend.

Speaking of security, Cole has been attached to the same blanket since birth and he never leaves it behind. I love this, but his attachment has turned into something even bigger. A second blanket has entered his life and he can't live without it. I originally bought this "2nd" cozy blanket to keep in the car to avoid bringing #1 everywhere, thus increasing wear and tear. Well, my plan has turned his need into a major obsession. Every morning when he wakes, I pick up both blankies, throw them over my shoulder, then up comes Cole, onto my hip and his head nestled on my chest and into the sea of blankie coziness. I love that he loves something(s) so much. He is so passionate and never forgets about them. Hmmm, I could transition into so many different topics here, but I will keep this post focused. Oh the urge!

I know a day will come when Blankie #1, Blankie #2, and little Bink will be just a memory for him (and I), so I want to savor the sweetness as long as I can. For now, he is my baby, and I will treasure every snuggle and cuddle that they provide my little guy. My baby. My love.

Change of direction. I can't write about Cole and not about Garrett, I have guilty mom sydrome! Is that normal when there is a household with more than one child? Anyway, I literally cannot believe how much Garrett gas grown. He will be four years old in just 2 short months; where has this time gone? The one thing that sticks out in my mind about Garrett, is that he is very caring and sensitive about life. He gets this from Mike , but I know he gets a lot from me too. When he gets attached to something, he cares for it deeply and never wants to let go. This is not just physical things, this love is also for people, ideas, and places. For example, we had the delight of talking to all three grandparents on Skype this week. Last night was my parents, and tonight my mother-in-law. Emotionally, today was especially hard for Garrett, as he woke up later than normal and missed sending Daddy off to work this morning. This has become quite the routine since being in the new house, and I have to admit, it is one of my new favorite things to do. So, after a day of emotional stress, Garrett "needed" to talk to his Grandma Ju-Ju, and was ecstatic when the time came to do so. But as expected, when time came for goodbyes, he broke down and didn't want to let her go. This breaks my heart, but just as I said about Cole, I love that Garrett LOVES so much. He is my little sweetheart and is so caring for me, his daddy, little brother, family, friends and toys. I hope he never changes. This is my prayer for him.

Sleep tight my little men. I love you.

Crazy Love

I have so many things on my heart and mind tonight, but I cant seem to get them into words. I have always been a decent writer, so naturally, journaling/blogging used to come easy for me. Not so much these days. Maybe it is because I have too much that I want to write about and I don't know where to start? or that the very girl that I "used" to be is gone? My priorities are different than ever, but I still have this burn in my soul to write this all out for my future to see. So, here I am, laptop in hand, lots of thoughts, but words are scarce. This is what I will leave you with for today.

After browsing my newly organized bookshelf for a snippet of knowledge and/or truth, I came to page 119 of the book called "Crazy Love". What is Love? " This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us."

I John 3:16-20

This is where we call Home...

It is amazing how our life has changed in this past year, and even more in these last few weeks. Mike and I have gone from a high level of uncertainty, to a place where life makes so much more sense than it ever has. Hinesight is definitely 20/20 and everything just fits when and where God has intended. As someone used to say to me, "Life is never promised to be a rose garden", but here lately, I feel as though I am seeing it through rose colored glasses. Good thing, maybe, or maybe not. Either way, I am content and looking forward to what God has promised for me and my three loves.

About four weeks ago, we were bombarded with several bouts of bad news all in a matter of three hours. If was very difficult to say the least, but these "bouts" led us to an even greater love for one another and our boys, a beautiful new home that feels more like ours than when we owned our own, and a love for God deeper than ever imagined. I sense God's promises coming true, even if just a small bit at a time. I have not figured out what is in store for us, and we still have our list of struggles, but all I am doing is looking up and how glorious that is!

So, with that said, here is a sneak peek into our new home. Please forgive the mess! Unpacking is still underway.

I am Barabbas

I feel like a spiritual failure, but not in God's eyes. I am trying to believe that 100%. He sees my suffering, my pain, my financial hardships. I am working so hard to give God the glory for everything, no matter the storm, no matter the stack of twenty past due bills on the desk. Creditors are calling, and I am so afraid. The enemy keeps throwing up fears in my face and to tell you the truth, I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid. But what am I really afraid of? At this point, not being able to care for my little blessings, Garrrett and Cole. Being able to provide food, shelter and clothing. As much as I love that they are growing healthy and strong, I don't want them to grow too much b/c I can't afford to get them new shoes. Is that horrible of me to say? I can't get my thoughts and feelings on the right track. Thier well being is all that matters to me now and even that is so hard to succeed at. They have no idea what mommy and daddy are enduring right now. It is scary and I cry.

Random thoughts are pouring out of me right now. Our pastor has been doing a series called "vantage point" that is leading us up to Easter and the story of Christ's death, burial and resurrection. We learned about the thief and murderer, Barabbas, whom was supposed to have died the death that Jesus received, but instead, was freed by the people. What did he do to deserve this? Nothing. But how is he any different than we are today? We have been freed from our debt and by grace are we saved through faith. We didn't have to do anything but accept Jesus and believe Him to be our Lord and Saviour.

I was given a gift today; seeing Jesus in a different light, so much, that the cross is much more personal to me than ever before. Jesus' crucifiction was no mistake. The day that He died, and all of the occurances that led up to him being crowned with thorns and nailed to that cross, was a perfect picture of what He did and is doing for us everyday. He took the debt that Barabbas owed and bled for him. I am Barabbas. Those were my thorns, and tears, and blood.

The church has been so gracious to the community and the members; helping those in need. Whether it be financial, spiritual, physical, they want to help. At what point do I reach out and ask for help? I am not a proud woman, but more embarrassed of what we are going through. Is that a form of pride? I know we need help and I want it so bad but a part of me thinks that we are undeserving and there are still others out there worse off than us. How far do I have to fall before I am saved? Or will I ever be saved from this pit that we are in? What are we supposed to learn from this? I am struggling and need direction. Burrying myself in the Word is the only thing that I know to do. Falling on my knees and spending every waking breath whispering prayers of redemption is all that I have left to do. There is no money, there aren't many worldly posessions left, no vanity or pride. Is this where God is wanting us to be before the blessings come? And for how long? I am confused, afraid and hurting, but Joy is what I want.

Beach babies!

Settled

It has been 2.5 months since moving back to Orlando and I am still unpacking boxes.  The last two months have been interesting to say the least, and "moving" never really ends at your final destination.  Mike and I placed most of our belongings in a storage unit with only the necessities in tow to our temporary home.  I thought by taking minimal belongings to "live" with would transition us into simple living, but it has been far from simple.  My perception of "minimal" hasn't quite agreed with the living space that we have been provided (although I am very grateful for even that).

Our family of four, which includes a toddler and a three year old (who seems to be more like 15 and hormonal), crammed into two 10x10 rooms is quite the sight to see.  I pride myself (most of the time) for organization, but lately I haven't felt up to the Martha Stewart standard that I seem to put myself up to.  I am more like that 15 year old hormonal, messy teenager that I just so cleverly described Garrett as.  I haven't gotten into a groove yet, but I am praying for organized living soon!  Please God!!!  

Anyway, on to the next item of "one way" discussion.  Let's see...well, I am challenging myself to one month of extremely limited Facebook.  Without going into too much detail, it has been a HUGE struggle and time waster for me and I was starting to spend more time and feelings on there than I had to spare.  Blogging doesn't seem to be that much of a better decision for time wasting, but at least it is an outlet for me that I very much need these days.  My close friends and loved ones are hopefully reading this blog, so I haven't totally removed myself from cyber society. Dear FB friends, I will not be on FB much so please email me!  Don't tempt me with the "facebook" notifications that ever so cleverly lure me via my gmail inbox.  I am trying to work on a better controlled time frame allowance.  :)  Unfortunately, my plan of staying away 100% from the temptation, failed, as my need to stay connected with some family members/friends that are EXTREMELY important to me, won the battle.  I love you guys!  But, I failed my personal test.  Better luck next time I say.  

We just had Garrett's third birthday party today.  The kids were so much fun and had a blast when a real firetruck showed up in front of our house for display.  All I can say is thank you Orange County Fire Rescue!  You are the best!

I made Garrett's cake this year, a firetruck fondant cake.  My sister in law and best friend Christi came over to help me with my vision.  It turned out pretty well considering this was my first "carved into shape" cake.  Garrett loved it and now wants a "McQueen" birthday cake.  My dear child, baking times for Lightening McQueen birthday cakes are about 364 days.  

Mike and I had a great time for my birthday.  Wait, let me back up.  A dear friend started my day off with treating me to a pedicure and sushi (YUM!), which was a much needed pick me up.  I love her!  But more b/c we have been dear friends for so long and know pretty much everything there is to know about one another.  I was definitely pampered, and loved every minute of it. 

So, Mike bought me an absolutely stunning necklace for my birthday.  It is of our boys; I could not have asked for anything more lovely.  I know that I will wear this everyday that I can along with the diamond stud earrings I have been wearing since my first mothers' day three years ago.  He topped the evening off by taking me to New Smyrna Beach for dinner at Chases on the beach, a little bar and grill that has THE BEST spinach dip, coconut shrimp and veggie wraps ever!  It was far from a candle lit dinner but any dinner with my hubbie, alone, is great in my book.  Our intention was to stroll the beach before heading back home to our babies, but it was quite the chilly night.  We then opted for a "stroll" through the cheesy 24 hour touristy beach shops that are ever so notorious for tie-dye and flourescent destination t-shirts.  I did happen upon a cute pair of pink daisy sterling silver earrings that I fell in love with and were the perfect addition to my birthday celebration.  

I have captured this weekend in a few pictures that I hope you enjoy!  Good night my dear friends!  Sweet Dreams.

Love,

Stephanie