I feel like a spiritual failure, but not in God's eyes. I am trying to believe that 100%. He sees my suffering, my pain, my financial hardships. I am working so hard to give God the glory for everything, no matter the storm, no matter the stack of twenty past due bills on the desk. Creditors are calling, and I am so afraid. The enemy keeps throwing up fears in my face and to tell you the truth, I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid. But what am I really afraid of? At this point, not being able to care for my little blessings, Garrrett and Cole. Being able to provide food, shelter and clothing. As much as I love that they are growing healthy and strong, I don't want them to grow too much b/c I can't afford to get them new shoes. Is that horrible of me to say? I can't get my thoughts and feelings on the right track. Thier well being is all that matters to me now and even that is so hard to succeed at. They have no idea what mommy and daddy are enduring right now. It is scary and I cry.
Random thoughts are pouring out of me right now. Our pastor has been doing a series called "vantage point" that is leading us up to Easter and the story of Christ's death, burial and resurrection. We learned about the thief and murderer, Barabbas, whom was supposed to have died the death that Jesus received, but instead, was freed by the people. What did he do to deserve this? Nothing. But how is he any different than we are today? We have been freed from our debt and by grace are we saved through faith. We didn't have to do anything but accept Jesus and believe Him to be our Lord and Saviour.
I was given a gift today; seeing Jesus in a different light, so much, that the cross is much more personal to me than ever before. Jesus' crucifiction was no mistake. The day that He died, and all of the occurances that led up to him being crowned with thorns and nailed to that cross, was a perfect picture of what He did and is doing for us everyday. He took the debt that Barabbas owed and bled for him. I am Barabbas. Those were my thorns, and tears, and blood.
The church has been so gracious to the community and the members; helping those in need. Whether it be financial, spiritual, physical, they want to help. At what point do I reach out and ask for help? I am not a proud woman, but more embarrassed of what we are going through. Is that a form of pride? I know we need help and I want it so bad but a part of me thinks that we are undeserving and there are still others out there worse off than us. How far do I have to fall before I am saved? Or will I ever be saved from this pit that we are in? What are we supposed to learn from this? I am struggling and need direction. Burrying myself in the Word is the only thing that I know to do. Falling on my knees and spending every waking breath whispering prayers of redemption is all that I have left to do. There is no money, there aren't many worldly posessions left, no vanity or pride. Is this where God is wanting us to be before the blessings come? And for how long? I am confused, afraid and hurting, but Joy is what I want.
